I think I needed a week to decompress

after the marathon drinking and balling…

In case you missed it, Virginia won the men’s division of the NCAA tournament, and the mystery Philly player from the Virginia/Auburn game was not only De’Andre Hunter, i.e., Virginia’s star player, but apparently a fellow Friends’ Central alum, so he’s the best thing to come out of FCS since EGOT-gunning American treasure, Benj Pasek. I am not including myself in that category because the best thing that Idid at FCS besides cry all the time and not understand science, was my twoApollo headlining acts during Meeting for Worship my senior year because #zerofucks2005

So the finals were special. My dear, kindred spirit/former college roommate/ first exposure to LA/generous friend, Jane, was ready to go. Jane is a legend in my autobiography, and also, forever a saint in my parents’ book because she took charge and got me home on my thirtieth birthday when I could not longer form sentences or sit up straight or keep alcohol inside me by 9pm.

Now, Barney’s Beanery, on the eve of the March Madness finals, was POPPIN’. I got there first and could not get a seat to save my life. Sure, there were booths open, but any time I made a move to claim one, someone sitting in the booth behind it was ready to knife me, because couldn’t I see the car keys resting on the table to reserve it?! One empty booth had a purse on it, and I was genuinely touched by the trust in humanity there. But also, if you see something say something…

As I circled the entire bar like a shark (and playfully caressed Ricardo’s elbow), I saw a guy sitting by himself in a big ass window booth with a laptop. I thought wistfully about the bravery I once possessed when I was thirteen and went up to Pablo, the hottest guy in middle school, and asked him out. If you saw what I looked like when I was thirteen, you’d appreciate how fucking brave that was.

I found Jane, who had just gotten a haircut and glowed. Can you tell I love my friends? Jane has the confidence, legs, and swagger of Athena the Greek Goddess and approached the man with the laptop to see if we could post shop there, at least until other tables opened up.

Guess what? As soon as she introduced herself, it turned out HE KNEW HER!!! Jane is a celebrity. Jeff was super nice, loved my Hero’s Journey, and put his laptop away: his table was our table. At least until his friends could no longer fit.

Jeff and I talked about how often we go to Barney’s (I mean, in two weeks, I felt I was the mayor), and he told me all of this stuff I didn’t know about Ricardo. Like he’s a jump shot champion?? MY Ricardo?? My heart.

His friend, Steve, who I’d like to describe as the tall, trendy Brooklyn bear of my dreams, came and it turned out HE knew two of my friends through work. As he slid in so we could talk, Kerri arrived. Kerri had just gotten back from Vegas and was miraculously not exhausted, which is a trait I admire, because any time I go on a bachelorette, I draft my suicide note. Jeff’s third friend arrived and sure enough, Dan, arrived, slid in, and went to my rival high school and had some pretty legitimate opinions about my middle school.

I took a step outside of myself to look at the scene: here were three great looking guys with real jobs sitting across from a bozo with her two stunning and wonderfully charismatic friends. “I’ve made it,” I thought. A friend from each party arrived and we were officially at capacity (Anastasia, another Penn girl, arrived, slaying in a denim dress and cool ass eyeliner). We promised we’d make our way back to chat more, but I was basking in the empowerment of a full throttle Girl Gang.

I saw Ricardo and told him my heart hurt that he couldn’t disclose the pride he had in his talents. Uhhh, turns out there are two Ricardos at Barney’s. Seriously, why would you go anywhere else?

Here’s what is awesome about being Weho residents at Barney’s Beanery during the championships: everyone knew people there. It was like a freakin block party. Jane, Anastasia and Kerri all ran into more girls they knew, who were all charming and warm and awesome.

One of them, Maggie, found a booth. I was about to close out my tab to join them, when I saw Jane talking to another friend, Sam, who was comfortably seated on a barstool. They both looked at me with the eye contact of “understand my subtext,” and said, “Carlin, you should take this seat.” “Huh?” I asked. They both jerked their heads to our left.

Oh…

Yeah. There was a super attractive man sitting there, by himself with a beer, watching the game.

I think this is what I’ve been training for. So I sat down and used my greatest pick up line.

“Are those your fries?”

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We talked for a pretty long time. Any time he went to the bathroom, which was a lot, I’m guessing, because he had been there since the beginning of time and had had three million beers, my friends would feed me food, and ask how it was going, you know, like coaches during a boxing match. Kerri, ever committed to the project, got the candid shot you all have been desperately wanting…

I think we made a bet about over time that somehow ended with me drinking a double shot of whiskey and definitely closing my finger in the bathroom door, and my friends giving me the heads up that they were leaving before me.

It was an aggressive Monday that yielded a painful Tuesday and THREE PHONE NUMBERS, BITCHESSSSS.

I am spending this afternoon the way that this whole thing started. With the almanac and saint himself, Jim, as in, my friend Andrew’s fiancée, Francine’s dad, who literally taught me everything I know about March Madness. He will be prepping me for the NBA playoffs. Our last meeting was three hours, and I filled out a full legal pad, so, are you ready for it?