About A Girl Who Walks into a Sports Bar…

I’m a comedy writer in Los Angeles. I write endearingly dysfunctional women who are usually also named Carlin. 

The most important thing that you need to know is I’m an ex-east coaster, fairly funny, and single as fuck.

LA is a dating desert. It’s so big, it’s stupid. This is a city of dreamers: everyone is trying to be something, having come from somewhere else, and is constantly orbiting his or her own world. 

Last year, when the Eagles (my home team) made it to the Super Bowl, I surprised myself when I was so excited, I insisted on hosting a Super Bowl party. Let me give you a little context: the first Eagles game I ever watched to completion was in February, 2018, and, yes: it was the Super Bowl.  Man, did I really go for it. I made seven layer dip. I ordered wings. I bought a freaking helium tank for my Eagles balloons. I had shots of Jack Daniels and a bottle of champagne ready for either outcome. Interestingly, I hosted zero Eagles fans.

When we won (yes: we), I was thrilled to talk to anyone in an Eagles hat. I would freak out when I met other people from Philadelphia.  It wasn’t that I was homesick, per se, it’s that for a brief moment even though I was somewhere else, I was home.

If I felt this way as someone who still can’t tell you what a “down” is, clearly people who actually follow their teams must burst when they get to celebrate their homes.

This got me thinking: I know that traditionally, Philadelphia sports fans are lovable piles of heaping, flaming garbage, but what about Philadelphia sports fans in LA? And what if I started to visit some of these other teams’ turf? We all know the sports bar going “type,” but is there any variation to the type, based on region and league? 

So I am starting a dating scrimmage: with a team of trusted consultants, I’m creating a schedule as I explore the single fans of as many teams as I possibly can, beginning with March Madness before moving onto other sports and leagues. I’m not that interested in the outcome of the game. I’m really just trying to figure out if a guy in a Patriots jersey is more eligible than a guy wearing Packers’ colors.  With luck I will find the ultimate shortcut – if you know the teams a guy follows, do you automatically know to swipe right.

Got it? Let’s play ball.