Barney's and (Girl) Friends

Thursday night – Texas Tech vs. Michigan, and Virginia vs. Oregon – was an important outing for two reasons. 1. This was the first bar that was actually walking distance for me, which means if I do in fact become a sports bar person, AND there is a population of datable regulars, I legitimately could have my Cheers. 2. This marked the first time that my plus one was a lady! No love lost on Austin or Mthunzi, but two broads are better than one.

 I headed straight for the bar to wait for Erika (my angel baby) to find a population transfixed by the end of the Purdue/Tennessee game.  

 This was rowdy – in a good way. I was very excited that a decent number of these guys were tall. I hate that I’m sizeist, but I know what I am. I’m 5’8, have excellent posture, and not afraid of heels. If my new angle was that Tennessee fans were tall, I probably have to break it to my mother that my wedding will be of mixed faith.

 A slew of Virginia fans were waiting for their game to start.  These were the guys I was planning on observing and talking to, mostly because Derek’s bracket had them winning, and Derek’s bracket was “my” bracket. They hung outside with the smokers and vapers (???) or killed time playing shuffle board. I was seeing a lot of half-zip sweaters, so they obviously were not actors or writers, which is great because I’m already a lot. Maybe Virginia fans were also tall. I had to Google to confirm this because I never learned geography in elementary school, but the two states do in fact touch a border. You’re welcome.

 Then, two wonderful things happened: first, Erika arrived and I hadn’t seen her in, literally, months, so it was an absolute joy to hug her, then, as if, on cue, THREE MALE MODELS WALKED IN!!!!

Erika, God bless her, was ready to GO!

 She spotted two guys as she found me who were sitting in a booth by the window, and claimed with certainty that one of them had an excellent side profile.  She also started spit balling questions so that we had an inwith these guys. Uh… what the fuck, Mthunzi and Austin? Where was this A-Game?

 We sat down in a booth to suss out our prospects when we met Ricardo.

 Listen, if I get nothing else out of this entire operation, I am completely okay with my primary take away being this: you should absolutely go to Barney’s Beanery for the sole purpose of hanging out with Ricardo. The man is a god damned American treasure.

 We told Ricardo everything, and he was as in it as Erika. He started scoping out the scene, hive minded the tactics of what to say, and asked guys if they wanted to talk to us (the guy with the great side profile declined. What?!?!). Not only did Ricardo have our backs, but he kept my savvy blanc full, so my confidence was that of a 26-year-old me. God, 26-year-old Carlin was skinny, funny, and fuckin’ slayed.

 Now, I have to ask you something: have you ever had a wing man literally whistle you in the direction of several male models, like you are a show dog and your trick is to sit down with them? Because Ricardo did that for me. And Erika slid on into those models’ booth and got right down to business.

I don't think I understood friendship until now. And I won the Friendship Award at JKST  Super Sports Camp in 1996.

 We had some curveballs: these guys were here for Michigan! It explains why they weren’t a part of the hullabaloo (besides the fact that they were too beautiful to sit at the bar). Curveball number two was Alpha Model had a girlfriend, and, predictably, the personality of a lunchbox.  Curveball number three: the other two were in town from New York!!  As in, they do not live in LA. And I already assessed Michigan this week!

What happened next is why I would like to fully endorse everyone to hire and befriend Erika. She somehow figured out that the guy in the middle of this snack pack was not only from Buffalo, but had gone to her dad for knee surgery when he was fourteen. This was also perfect, because the other New Yorker next to him, was tall, covered in tattoos, had dark hair, and completely uninterested, so I was smitten.

 Unfortunately, this entire journey is about finding fans to swipe right on, not guys at bars who are completely unavailable so I can continue down my path of absolutely terrible choices. Fortunately, Erika had to leave, and even though Ricardo was more than willing to help me out if I stayed at Barney’s solo, I decided to go home and eat one of my cold, leftover salmon burgers I made from the Goop website (I know she’s an anti-vaxer, but whoever comes up with her recipes deserves a raise). After all, I had to prepare for the next, even braver adventure: watching Duke in Santa Monica.